Men Grieve Too

In dealing with miscarriages and infertility, it has sometimes seemed like I am alone in this. What I mean is, it is my body that is causing the miscarriages. It is my body that is experiencing all the side effects of the Clomid and the changing hormones. But I forget that I am most certainly not alone. Even when I feel at my lowest, my husband DanRo is ALWAYS there for me. He is going through this with me too. He may not be able to experience the physical pain that I am going through, but he most certainly experiences the emotional pain just like me.

Since early pregnancy and miscarriage are things that are not always openly talked about, I did not know how to act after any of my miscarriages. I had never experienced it nor had I gone through it with anyone before. In my head, it was my body and my problem. I was the one experiencing the the pain. I was the one suffering. DanRo comforted and consoled me. But in my emotional roller coaster, I didn't know I needed to do the same for him. I didn't think that he would grieve the same way as me. After all, he didn't feel the things that I felt going on in my body, so how could it be real for him? 

It wasn't until after I started talking opening up about my experience that DanRo started opening up about his. He was sad too. He grieved too. He longs to be a father just as much as I long to be a mother. He has even told me since that he thinks about being a father a lot more than I think he does.

When it comes to miscarriage, men often get pushed aside. They tend to have to be the strong one. But they need their support system too. Opening up about everything has opened our eyes to just how many people care and how many have gone through it too. DanRo even started his own blog called DanRo's Heart Strings. I have found several support groups that are for men dealing with a partners miscarriage. I had no idea such support even existed! I'm so glad that I am finding out that people are opening up more about these issues.

My Background

I guess you should know a little bit about me and my journey thus far. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year. We actually started by accident, kind of. We had a pregnancy scare in early 2013. We weren't trying to have a baby. I actually had never even wanted kids. But when we found out that I wasn't pregnant, we were both kind of sad. So we talked about it, and decided to start trying.

I got pregnant in April 2013 and we were thrilled! But it was very short lived. Two days after having a positive pregnancy test, I miscarried. Excitement turned to devastation.

We decided to keep trying. Nothing more happened until August 2013 when I got pregnant again. We were excited, but cautious. About a week after we found out, I miscarried again. The sadness set it again.

The very next cycle, in September 2013, I got pregnant for a third time. Again, we were excited, but cautious. And again, about a week after we found out, I miscarried. We were heartbroken and searching for answers. We were desperate to be parents. It seemed so unfair that I kept getting pregnant, but couldn't stay that way.

In October 2013, I was able to see my OBGYN, Dr. Boyles. She has been great. After a normal exam (and a normal check up with my family doctor) she ordered some blood work. It all came back normal.

The next test was a 21 day progesterone level check (also blood work.) This is ordered to check for ovulation. I was told that a normal level was 12. Mine was 3. That explained the miscarriages. The eggs that my ovaries were releasing were not mature enough to grow into a healthy baby. Because the eggs were not mature enough, they were also not releasing enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. Thus, the early miscarriages.

Dr. Boyles suggested I start a fertility medication called Clomid. Clomid is a medication that stimulates your ovaries to produce mature eggs, enhancing the quality of ovulation.

I started the medication in November 2013. I had horrible symptoms. I had constant hot flashes, but the night sweats were the worst. I had crazy mood swings and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I even had some depression.

My progesterone was checked again on day 21 of my cycle. To my delight, my progesterone had increased from 3 to 22.7! The nurse told me that was "very encouraging." So, we waited for my period not to come. But it did, two days late.

My doctor said that since the Clomid worked so well last cycle, that we could try it again this cycle at the same dose. So in December 2013, I started my second cycle of Clomid. This time, the symptoms were still there, but not as strong. My 21 day progesterone was checked again, and this time it was 23.5. Again, the nurse told me this was encouraging.

The nurse also told me that if I am not pregnant this cycle, that there are some tests that she recommends for me and my husband. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it, as I am still in the dreaded "two week wait," which should be called "the two week torture."

So, now you are up to speed on my journey. Please take the rest of the trip with me! :)