Clomid Cycle Three: The Two Week Wait

I hate the two week wait. I HATE THE TWO WEEK WAIT. Ok. I got that out of me.

For those of you who don't know, the two week wait is the two weeks that starts when a woman ovulates, and ends with her expected period. It's the two weeks that every woman (and man) dreads that is trying to conceive. It's the longest two weeks of your life. And it happens every month. You literally count the days, the hours, the minutes until you can take a test. You try and decide how early you can test to possibly get a positive result. Then you disregard that, test WAY too early, and waste a bunch of money because those things aren't cheap! Then when you see yet another negative result, you are crushed, even though you knew it was going to be negative anyway. It's like a cruel game of chess between your brain and your body.

For me, the two week wait is always full of "pregnancy symptoms" wether I am pregnant or not. They usually start a couple of days after I ovulate. My symptoms come from the Clomid increasing my progesterone to levels my body is not used to (I was diagnosed with low progesterone.) This cycle is different. And it's not fair. Here is why. Cycle one of Clomid, my progesterone increased from a very low 3 to 23. Cycle two of Clomid, my progesterone increased from 23 to 27. Cycle three of clomid, my progesterone increased again, this time from 27 to 59. Wait, what? 59???? Now my heart tells me, that number says I'm pregnant! But my head tells me, there is no way to know this early! I KNOW it's too soon to tell anything. But it's so hard to get that thought out of my head.

Right now, I am smack dab in the middle of my two week wait. Sadly my two week wait is usually about sixteen days. Only time will tell. In the meantime, how do I take my mind off of it? Sometimes I feel like you can't even live a normal life while trying to conceive and struggling with infertility.

A Break From Clomid?

I'm not so sure how I feel about this cycle. I had some unexpected medical things happen this month. It's actually a funny story. Last Friday night, my husband DanRo and I were lounging in bed. We both got up to adjust at the same time and we hit heads. We didn't hit hard at all so I didn't think anything of it. I laid back and started doing some online training for work. A few hours later, I sat up and realized I was dizzy. I had DanRo look at my eyes and one pupil was larger than the other. So, after consulting with his mother who is a nurse, we went to the emergency room. They did a CT scan, and told me I didn't have a concussion, but I showed all the classic symptoms, and still do. Today, five days later, I still have a headache, among other symptoms. Today I went to my doctor and she prescribed me some pain meds.

With all that going on, I'm just not feeling super confident about our chances of conception this month. There has been lots of added stress. I have been taking meds that I normally don't take. My body is just very off this cycle.

DanRo and I had a discussion the other night, and we decided that if this cycle isn't successful, that we are going to take a break from me taking the Clomid. This is for several different reasons. First of all, it is not good for any woman to take Clomid for a long period of time. It's not good for you. Second of all, I do not like the side effects that I have on the Clomid. I have lots of hot flashes. I get nauseous. Sometimes I even throw up. I get hormonal headaches. I have crazy mood swings. And every Clomid cycle, from the time I ovulate until I start my period, I get the equivalent of pregnancy symptoms. Not only does that suck physically, but it wreaks havoc on me mentally.

Another reason we are going to take a break is because my OBGYN has suggested that we have some testing done. For DanRo, she has suggested a semen analysis. For me, she has recommended an HSG. Due to several reasons, those tests won't be able to be completed right away. I would like to wait to get the results of those first to make sure there is nothing else wrong before subjecting myself to more Clomid.

But I'm having mixed emotions about it. I don't want to suffer through these horrible side effects anymore. I haven't had a day that I actually felt good in months. That isn't fair to me or to DanRo. But, without the Clomid, it will be very hard for us to conceive. I really, REALLY don't want to take more medication. We have been trying to do things more naturally lately. I don't like all the added chemicals in my body. But my desire to have a child would make me do just about anything at this point, even if it means I have to suffer. It's time to sit down and weigh the options. Right now in just don't know.

Men Grieve Too

In dealing with miscarriages and infertility, it has sometimes seemed like I am alone in this. What I mean is, it is my body that is causing the miscarriages. It is my body that is experiencing all the side effects of the Clomid and the changing hormones. But I forget that I am most certainly not alone. Even when I feel at my lowest, my husband DanRo is ALWAYS there for me. He is going through this with me too. He may not be able to experience the physical pain that I am going through, but he most certainly experiences the emotional pain just like me.

Since early pregnancy and miscarriage are things that are not always openly talked about, I did not know how to act after any of my miscarriages. I had never experienced it nor had I gone through it with anyone before. In my head, it was my body and my problem. I was the one experiencing the the pain. I was the one suffering. DanRo comforted and consoled me. But in my emotional roller coaster, I didn't know I needed to do the same for him. I didn't think that he would grieve the same way as me. After all, he didn't feel the things that I felt going on in my body, so how could it be real for him? 

It wasn't until after I started talking opening up about my experience that DanRo started opening up about his. He was sad too. He grieved too. He longs to be a father just as much as I long to be a mother. He has even told me since that he thinks about being a father a lot more than I think he does.

When it comes to miscarriage, men often get pushed aside. They tend to have to be the strong one. But they need their support system too. Opening up about everything has opened our eyes to just how many people care and how many have gone through it too. DanRo even started his own blog called DanRo's Heart Strings. I have found several support groups that are for men dealing with a partners miscarriage. I had no idea such support even existed! I'm so glad that I am finding out that people are opening up more about these issues.

Just Don't Think About It (Yeah Right!)

When I start opening up to people about my infertility, one of the most common responses I get is, "Just don't think about it. Forget about a baby. And it will happen." While I know this is usually well intentioned advice from people who are just trying to help, it sometimes can be frustrating to hear. I understand that to get pregnant, I should relax and be as stress free as possible. But please tell me how I am not to think about having a child when it is literally on my mind 24/7. Even if my mind does wander, it never strays far from a baby.

But seriously, how do I stop thinking about it all the time? Please help me. It's so hard when you are going through some varying degree of fertility treatment and you have to track your monthly cycle. You always know where you are. You tend to hear things in your body that you wouldn't normally notice. It can be consuming.

Now I don't want to discourage anyone from offering their support in this time when I so clearly need it, because support from everyone is always needed and welcomed with a whole and open heart. I need and crave the support. I love hearing from everyone, women, men, fertile, infertile, childless or a parent to many. But unless you have tried to have a child and have failed, you don't fully understand. And this is where that well intentioned advice can sometimes turn sour to someone dealing with infertility. But that doesn't mean that you can't offer your support. Offer a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. Or just be there. Often, when I have been struggling, I didn't need advice or words at all. I just needed a compassionate person to be in the same room with me so I knew I wasn't alone. Sometimes that it all it takes to be there for someone. And it helps more than that person will ever know.

I also want to thank all the women and men that have shared their stories. Every story that I have heard has been different and all have offered me hope. Even if the outcome hasn't been a child, it shows me that if I am meant to be childless, that I will be ok. I think everyone sharing their own story of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, and parenthood have helped the most just for me to know that I am not alone and life does go on. This might be the first step I need to take to stop this all consuming idea in my head and "just forget about it."

Keep the support coming in and I will be sending it right back out. <3

Clomid and Family

Today is day three of my third cycle of Clomid and I'm already feeling the side effects. Last night, I had crazy night sweats. I woke up this morning to painful ovaries. My back was aching. I was totally exhausted. I, of course, consulted Dr. Google. What I found online said that these can all be normal side effects of the  Clomid. The night sweats come from elevated hormone levels. The ovary pain, back pain, and exhaustion is most likely from my ovaries working hard to produce at least one, if not more egg(s). If this is anything like previous cycles, these symptoms will continue until I ovulate. But this cycle the pain started much earlier than it has before. Ovulation for me has become painful on Clomid. Before baby making, I never paid attention to my cycle or how I felt a different times in my cycle. Since we have been trying to have a baby, I have tried to listen to my body. I have tried to correspond what or how I feel with what is happening in my body. Since practicing, I have started to feel myself ovulate. It was always a little painful, I just didn't always know it was ovulation pain. But since being on Clomid, the pain has increased exponentially. It now rivals period cramps.

After a long afternoon nap, DanRo and I visited my parents. My mother and I had a very long talk about fertility, and some of our family history. After my mother became yet another person reaching out to me to share her story, (there have been so many and I thank each and every one of you) we started to uncover clues in our family history that could contribute to our infertility problems. On my mother's side of the family, while she comes from a family of five children, almost every other family had no more than two children. Most had one. A lot had none. This spans a couple of centuries. What really struck something with me is a lot of these people were from a time and place when/where it was common to have upwards of ten kids, yet their families were so small. I wish there was a way to know what the whole story was. But those stories are long gone.

I wonder how all of those couples dealing with infertility in the past dealt with it without modern medicine? I can at least feel a little more proactive about my situation by seeing my doctor and taking this medication. Were there ways to actually increase fertility in, say, the 1800s? Were they effective? Were they more natural than a lab made chemical? Sometimes I think natural is the way to go. These side effects just feel so artificial and they are not pleasant. I pity poor DanRo when the mood swings set in. But I have yet to find something natural that can do for me what Clomid does. More research must be done.

Judgement

One of the main reasons I turned to the internet to spill my guts was because of the support I have received here. It has not always been so nice in real life. On the internet, I can say exactly what I feel and I have lots of people, both men and women, reach out to me and share their story or offer their support or words of encouragement. In real life, when I have opened up about my infertility struggles, I have been met with judgement and half-hearted advice from people who have no idea what it's like to even try to have a baby, let alone try and fail.

My biggest problem was that I was reaching out to all the wrong people and didn't know it. For a while, DanRo and I kept our trying to have a baby a secret. We weren't sure how people would react to us trying, so we didn't tell many people, including our families. Then, after my first miscarriage, we decided not to tell people in case I miscarried again (our thinking on this changed as the miscarriage number grew, and everyone, including our families know now.) So, the people that I was turning to for support were a lot of the people I worked with (at the time I worked at a boarding facility for cats and dogs and I was a supervisor.) I worked with a lot of women. When we started trying to have a baby, four, (yes, FOUR) of those women were pregnant. I expected to get support and sympathy from these women especially. But I most certainly did not. I got a lot of snarky comments. When I would be talking to someone about what was going on, sometimes I would look at them and all I could see on there face was, "How is this going to affect me?" I had a guy go behind my back and tell people that I was using pregnancy as an excuse to get out of things. He even implied that I was making up the miscarriages (ASSHOLE.) At one point, I was opening up to one of my bosses about our saga and was mentioning adoption if we aren't able to get pregnant. And instead of being supportive, she told me that my husband would have to get a new job because the one he has now is not good enough (are you fucking serious right now?) Turns out, I was the one that needed the new job. I actually quit my job at this place, partly because of these and other comments.

What I was expecting was to be lifted up and encouraged by these women. I expected us to rally together and empower each other and commiserate together. And when I didn't get that, on top of stuggling with the infertility, I shut down. I was depressed. DanRo recognized this, but didn't know how to help me. He knew that there were a few women that I had reached out to or had reached it to me on the internet and had helped me. He knew that there were forums that I would go on to get information or to talk about our latest failure. He also knew I was a writer. And that is where Inconceivably Happy came from (DanRo even named it!)

Since reaching out online, I have gotten that much needed support. I have read stories that have touched me and said things that I couldn't say (like this one!) I have also found those real-world women that I needed support from, just online. There have been strangers from around the world that have offered their words of encouragement. There have been others, just like me, who have shared their stories of loss and grief and sometimes their happy ending. Sometimes not. But either way, I have found that much needed support system.

A Poem From My Husband

My husband DanRo is a musician, poet, and writer. He has a way with words, and expresses himself beautifully and in ways that I cannot. He wrote this earlier today.

I have urged him to start his own blog.

Feeling Broken... Again

Round 2 of Clomid... it was a bust. My period came today and yet again I am not pregnant. I tried not to be sad about it, but of course I am. I had lots of pregnancy symptoms this month, which I know is most likely caused by my increased progesterone. My body is not used to is being this high because of the Clomid. That causes the symptoms. I KNOW this. And yet, I get my hopes every time, only to have them bleed out of me.

This cycle hit DanRo hard too. I sometimes forget that it's not just me that gets upset. He wants to be a dad just as bad as I want to be a mom. Since most of our infertility issues have been problems with me so far, I forget that it hurts him too.

My Background

I guess you should know a little bit about me and my journey thus far. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year. We actually started by accident, kind of. We had a pregnancy scare in early 2013. We weren't trying to have a baby. I actually had never even wanted kids. But when we found out that I wasn't pregnant, we were both kind of sad. So we talked about it, and decided to start trying.

I got pregnant in April 2013 and we were thrilled! But it was very short lived. Two days after having a positive pregnancy test, I miscarried. Excitement turned to devastation.

We decided to keep trying. Nothing more happened until August 2013 when I got pregnant again. We were excited, but cautious. About a week after we found out, I miscarried again. The sadness set it again.

The very next cycle, in September 2013, I got pregnant for a third time. Again, we were excited, but cautious. And again, about a week after we found out, I miscarried. We were heartbroken and searching for answers. We were desperate to be parents. It seemed so unfair that I kept getting pregnant, but couldn't stay that way.

In October 2013, I was able to see my OBGYN, Dr. Boyles. She has been great. After a normal exam (and a normal check up with my family doctor) she ordered some blood work. It all came back normal.

The next test was a 21 day progesterone level check (also blood work.) This is ordered to check for ovulation. I was told that a normal level was 12. Mine was 3. That explained the miscarriages. The eggs that my ovaries were releasing were not mature enough to grow into a healthy baby. Because the eggs were not mature enough, they were also not releasing enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. Thus, the early miscarriages.

Dr. Boyles suggested I start a fertility medication called Clomid. Clomid is a medication that stimulates your ovaries to produce mature eggs, enhancing the quality of ovulation.

I started the medication in November 2013. I had horrible symptoms. I had constant hot flashes, but the night sweats were the worst. I had crazy mood swings and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I even had some depression.

My progesterone was checked again on day 21 of my cycle. To my delight, my progesterone had increased from 3 to 22.7! The nurse told me that was "very encouraging." So, we waited for my period not to come. But it did, two days late.

My doctor said that since the Clomid worked so well last cycle, that we could try it again this cycle at the same dose. So in December 2013, I started my second cycle of Clomid. This time, the symptoms were still there, but not as strong. My 21 day progesterone was checked again, and this time it was 23.5. Again, the nurse told me this was encouraging.

The nurse also told me that if I am not pregnant this cycle, that there are some tests that she recommends for me and my husband. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it, as I am still in the dreaded "two week wait," which should be called "the two week torture."

So, now you are up to speed on my journey. Please take the rest of the trip with me! :)

The Dedication

First off, I have to thank my lovely and wonderful husband DanRo. Me starting this blog was his idea and without him, I wouldn't be writing. So, DanRo, this is for you, our current fur babies, and hopefully to our future children. I love you all more than I could ever say. But this blog will serve as my dedication to you.