Clomid Cycle Three: The Two Week Wait

I hate the two week wait. I HATE THE TWO WEEK WAIT. Ok. I got that out of me.

For those of you who don't know, the two week wait is the two weeks that starts when a woman ovulates, and ends with her expected period. It's the two weeks that every woman (and man) dreads that is trying to conceive. It's the longest two weeks of your life. And it happens every month. You literally count the days, the hours, the minutes until you can take a test. You try and decide how early you can test to possibly get a positive result. Then you disregard that, test WAY too early, and waste a bunch of money because those things aren't cheap! Then when you see yet another negative result, you are crushed, even though you knew it was going to be negative anyway. It's like a cruel game of chess between your brain and your body.

For me, the two week wait is always full of "pregnancy symptoms" wether I am pregnant or not. They usually start a couple of days after I ovulate. My symptoms come from the Clomid increasing my progesterone to levels my body is not used to (I was diagnosed with low progesterone.) This cycle is different. And it's not fair. Here is why. Cycle one of Clomid, my progesterone increased from a very low 3 to 23. Cycle two of Clomid, my progesterone increased from 23 to 27. Cycle three of clomid, my progesterone increased again, this time from 27 to 59. Wait, what? 59???? Now my heart tells me, that number says I'm pregnant! But my head tells me, there is no way to know this early! I KNOW it's too soon to tell anything. But it's so hard to get that thought out of my head.

Right now, I am smack dab in the middle of my two week wait. Sadly my two week wait is usually about sixteen days. Only time will tell. In the meantime, how do I take my mind off of it? Sometimes I feel like you can't even live a normal life while trying to conceive and struggling with infertility.

A Break From Clomid?

I'm not so sure how I feel about this cycle. I had some unexpected medical things happen this month. It's actually a funny story. Last Friday night, my husband DanRo and I were lounging in bed. We both got up to adjust at the same time and we hit heads. We didn't hit hard at all so I didn't think anything of it. I laid back and started doing some online training for work. A few hours later, I sat up and realized I was dizzy. I had DanRo look at my eyes and one pupil was larger than the other. So, after consulting with his mother who is a nurse, we went to the emergency room. They did a CT scan, and told me I didn't have a concussion, but I showed all the classic symptoms, and still do. Today, five days later, I still have a headache, among other symptoms. Today I went to my doctor and she prescribed me some pain meds.

With all that going on, I'm just not feeling super confident about our chances of conception this month. There has been lots of added stress. I have been taking meds that I normally don't take. My body is just very off this cycle.

DanRo and I had a discussion the other night, and we decided that if this cycle isn't successful, that we are going to take a break from me taking the Clomid. This is for several different reasons. First of all, it is not good for any woman to take Clomid for a long period of time. It's not good for you. Second of all, I do not like the side effects that I have on the Clomid. I have lots of hot flashes. I get nauseous. Sometimes I even throw up. I get hormonal headaches. I have crazy mood swings. And every Clomid cycle, from the time I ovulate until I start my period, I get the equivalent of pregnancy symptoms. Not only does that suck physically, but it wreaks havoc on me mentally.

Another reason we are going to take a break is because my OBGYN has suggested that we have some testing done. For DanRo, she has suggested a semen analysis. For me, she has recommended an HSG. Due to several reasons, those tests won't be able to be completed right away. I would like to wait to get the results of those first to make sure there is nothing else wrong before subjecting myself to more Clomid.

But I'm having mixed emotions about it. I don't want to suffer through these horrible side effects anymore. I haven't had a day that I actually felt good in months. That isn't fair to me or to DanRo. But, without the Clomid, it will be very hard for us to conceive. I really, REALLY don't want to take more medication. We have been trying to do things more naturally lately. I don't like all the added chemicals in my body. But my desire to have a child would make me do just about anything at this point, even if it means I have to suffer. It's time to sit down and weigh the options. Right now in just don't know.

Men Grieve Too

In dealing with miscarriages and infertility, it has sometimes seemed like I am alone in this. What I mean is, it is my body that is causing the miscarriages. It is my body that is experiencing all the side effects of the Clomid and the changing hormones. But I forget that I am most certainly not alone. Even when I feel at my lowest, my husband DanRo is ALWAYS there for me. He is going through this with me too. He may not be able to experience the physical pain that I am going through, but he most certainly experiences the emotional pain just like me.

Since early pregnancy and miscarriage are things that are not always openly talked about, I did not know how to act after any of my miscarriages. I had never experienced it nor had I gone through it with anyone before. In my head, it was my body and my problem. I was the one experiencing the the pain. I was the one suffering. DanRo comforted and consoled me. But in my emotional roller coaster, I didn't know I needed to do the same for him. I didn't think that he would grieve the same way as me. After all, he didn't feel the things that I felt going on in my body, so how could it be real for him? 

It wasn't until after I started talking opening up about my experience that DanRo started opening up about his. He was sad too. He grieved too. He longs to be a father just as much as I long to be a mother. He has even told me since that he thinks about being a father a lot more than I think he does.

When it comes to miscarriage, men often get pushed aside. They tend to have to be the strong one. But they need their support system too. Opening up about everything has opened our eyes to just how many people care and how many have gone through it too. DanRo even started his own blog called DanRo's Heart Strings. I have found several support groups that are for men dealing with a partners miscarriage. I had no idea such support even existed! I'm so glad that I am finding out that people are opening up more about these issues.

Just Don't Think About It (Yeah Right!)

When I start opening up to people about my infertility, one of the most common responses I get is, "Just don't think about it. Forget about a baby. And it will happen." While I know this is usually well intentioned advice from people who are just trying to help, it sometimes can be frustrating to hear. I understand that to get pregnant, I should relax and be as stress free as possible. But please tell me how I am not to think about having a child when it is literally on my mind 24/7. Even if my mind does wander, it never strays far from a baby.

But seriously, how do I stop thinking about it all the time? Please help me. It's so hard when you are going through some varying degree of fertility treatment and you have to track your monthly cycle. You always know where you are. You tend to hear things in your body that you wouldn't normally notice. It can be consuming.

Now I don't want to discourage anyone from offering their support in this time when I so clearly need it, because support from everyone is always needed and welcomed with a whole and open heart. I need and crave the support. I love hearing from everyone, women, men, fertile, infertile, childless or a parent to many. But unless you have tried to have a child and have failed, you don't fully understand. And this is where that well intentioned advice can sometimes turn sour to someone dealing with infertility. But that doesn't mean that you can't offer your support. Offer a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. Or just be there. Often, when I have been struggling, I didn't need advice or words at all. I just needed a compassionate person to be in the same room with me so I knew I wasn't alone. Sometimes that it all it takes to be there for someone. And it helps more than that person will ever know.

I also want to thank all the women and men that have shared their stories. Every story that I have heard has been different and all have offered me hope. Even if the outcome hasn't been a child, it shows me that if I am meant to be childless, that I will be ok. I think everyone sharing their own story of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, and parenthood have helped the most just for me to know that I am not alone and life does go on. This might be the first step I need to take to stop this all consuming idea in my head and "just forget about it."

Keep the support coming in and I will be sending it right back out. <3